I gotta start somewhere, so I'll start with the parking lot. I arrive at the grocery store for another day of purchasing food. There are two sets of double doors on each end of the grocery store in which to enter or exit. I select the set of doors I will be entering and exiting and simply choose the lane that is directing the traffic away from those doors and park in the first available space. I have never been left looking for my automibile with this system.  I always end up behind someone who is waiting for another automobile to leave their coveted spot. They wait for a long time in order to get a closer parking spot. I maneuver around that driver and park several parking spaces past that driver, usually at the end of the parking lot. I am always walking past them as they park their car. They may have parked closer, but the time lost is immeasurable, also I think,"You probably need the exercise."

     In the store people are exactly the way they drive. I encounter slow people. I encounter clueless people. What a much more pleasant experience if people would simply travel the aisles the way we should drive on the streets; on the right side. Too many people park their carts on one side of the aisle while browsing the shelves on the other, therefore leaving no room to pass. I quit saying,"Excuse me" a long time ago. Now, I just race my cart into their personal space and they move.

     If I am purchasing more than one item, I always get a shopping cart. I don't understand carrying all those products, especially knowing I'll be waiting in a line. I have never used one of those handbaskets. Get a cart!

     I saw a woman with a child strapped to her chest, hands full of products, and trying to talk on the phone. Not only was she oblivious to those around her, but she was obviously stressed and didn't know why. Get a cart!

     While waiting in line my hands are free, so I skim through the magazines while I wait my turn. Those that think they were only getting "a couple of things" and are left holding them are much more impatient; pissed even. Get a cart!

     I want to know which came first: The 517 lb. woman or the electric shopping cart? If it's the 517 lb. woman, then how did they get their groceries before the electric shopping cart was available? If it's the electric shopping cart, then is it exascerbating the 517 lb. woman's weight problem? Also, I find it funny that the basket on those electric shopping carts are only two feet square. Shouldn't those baskets be the size of Toyotas? How do those women get so big?!

     By the way, how many people have experienced this: you make a "BEER run." While at the store you think of something else you want for later. I get in line with a case of BEER and........pancake mix. The clerk looks at the combination of case of BEER and pancake mix.....I say, "Yeah, I'm responsible for bringing the party."

    For those who have read this far, here's a rare picture of Your's truely, taken during the Carter Admistration......in the Presidential Limousine, of course:








    

     Announcer: "Good evening. And welcome to the 'Antiques Sideshow.' Today, we are here at the Convention Center  where hundreds of people have brought what they think are treasures. Let's go to the floor and see."

     Appraiser: Hi. So, what's your name?

     Republican: [shakey voice] Mary Hillsdale.

     A: Wow! You're pretty old. Did you want yourself appraised?

     R:[slapping his forearm] Oh, stop that.

     A: I will say that you have beaten the record for the number of pieces that one person has brought in.

 

     R: I know...I don't know where they all came from.

     A: Can you tell me how you came about getting these?

     R: Well, everyone kept telling me,"You have to have it. You just have to have it." So, I decided to take it.

     A: Let's start with this one on your left. Do you know what that is?

     R: I was told it is a "politician."

     A: Right! Do you know what "kind" of politician?

     R: I was told it is a "Presidential" politician, but i've also heard it called: "Republican," "Moderate," "Conservative" and so many others....I just don't know for sure.

     A: Well, let's turn it around. This is how we can tell. Do you see there? In the back just below the waist, we grab what we call the "nape." If you pull really hard...like this....[POP!]....then you can see what we call their "head." And by examining this one, I can tell this one is a "McCain" politician.

     R: Oh, I see. I didn't know that.

     A: Also, if we pull back the veneer, we can see that he is definitely not a Conservative politician.

     R: I didn't know you could remove their veneers.

     A: With most antiques, you never want to clean them. Collectors like the patina that comes with age, but with politicians you definitely need to clean them. Professionals like clean politicians. So, you need to clean them, or replace them, as often as possible, because they get dirtier the longer you have them.

     R: Ok. [checking her hearing aid]

     A: Also, check the pockets. Always check the pockets of politicians when you get one. I'll check just one. [pulling out a stack of papers] This is what's called "McCain-Feingold." The greatest assault on Our First Amendment to The Constitution of The United States. Authored by this "Presidential politician."

     R: Oh dear! Nobody ever mentioned that.

     A: Right. And what can you tell me about these strings hanging off him?

     R: Well, they are attached to all those other people.

     A: And do you know what those other people are?

     R: I sure don't.

     A: They're lobbyists. I'll show the audience just one. [following one string from McCain's back pocket] This string is attached to what is called "Keating." And by looking at the condition of Keating, you must have been lugging this around with your McCain for quite some time.

     R: I have.

     A: And you have brought in several other pieces that go with your McCain too, I see.

     R: Yes.

     A: Do you know what those are? And how many would you say you have?

     R: Well, people have told me that they are "undocumented workers." I haven't counted them in quite some time, but I remember it was about, oh, twenty or twenty-one million or so? But it looks to me that there are so many more than that.

     A: Actually, they're called illegal aliens. You are breaking the law by being in possession of these "pieces."

     R: Oh, my!

     A: HAHAHA! Don't worry, though. That crime is never prosecuted.

     R: Well, good.

     A: Have you ever had your collection appraised?

     R: No, I haven't.

     A: Well, if I had this collection in my House I would estimate that I would be out of pocket about one thousand, seven hundered, and forty-two trillion dollars in today's market.

     R: Really?! I never knew.

     A: Not to mention that it would lower the property value too.

     R: I see.

     A: Right! The market for "Presidential politicians" has really taken a dive since '84. 

     R: Will the market ever rebound?

     A: I don't think it ever will with people hanging on to these like you brought here.

     R: Oh, my.

     A: So, what are you going to do with your "pieces" now that they have been appraised by a professional?

     R: I suppose I'll try to pawn them off on someone else.

     [both laughing]

     A: Thank you for bringing them in for us.

     R: Thank you so much. We've had a ball.

     Announcer: "That concludes this episode of 'Antiques Sideshow.' I hope you enjoyed it."

     [cue music]