Posted by
Jimmy Carter on Sunday, October 08, 2006 5:39:08 PM
My fellow Texans...
My associates and I have come to the conclusion that we here need a change of pace. Therefore, I have developed a plan for taking over the hands of government in Austin and installing my dictatorship.
Why a dictator you ask? First and foremost I think it is the funniest word in the English language. Just try to seperate the first syllable from the second two and keep from laughing. Second, less beauracracy.
First order of business will be to secede from the United States and once again become a Nation of our Own.
As a new and Independent Nation I will immediately declare War on Oklahoma. As all Texans know we have special genes that make us hate all things Oklahoma. After having conquered Ok. we will then have breakfast.
Oklahomans will be made to wear a pink bonnet, shorts, black socks, and sandals when visiting Texas so as to be easily identified and avoided.
The joke that every Texan learns first:
Why doesn't Texas float off into the Gulf of Mexico?
Because Oklahoma SUCKS!!
Oklahoma will be given to the first person who brings me a keg of beer, a "log" of Copenhagen, and a new, bright and shiny, brass cuspidor.
Speed limits will be abolished.
On the interstate, if you are passing someone on the righthand side you are allowed one free shot at the tires of said passey for driving too slow in the left lane.
There will be no "Special" parking designations, if you can drive you can park at the back of the lot at Wal-mart next to me.
Bob Wills and His Texas Playboys will be the official band of Texas. It will be illegal to hurt, injure, kill, mock, or insult any member or any of their work.
President Roanld Wilson Reagan will replace fdr on the dime.
We will mint a special coin with the likeness of John Wayne on the front and the back will contain the "Canon of San Jacinto" with its motto "Come and Get It!" This coins' worth will equate to exactly the purchase price for a case of beer. While making a "beer run," it would be convenient to simply toss the clerk a coin and not wait in line.
It will be legal to treat abortionists with the same care and consideration that they give to a Mother's child.
Vegetatians will be rounded up and dropped over California at 15,000 feet.
All garbage and trash will be deposited in Arkansas. Why? Because we can.
Any alien caught crossing our Southern border illegally will have a Star branded on their forhead and sent home. Second offense, Texans would be allowed to shoot said Star.
Any visitor from New York will be made to wear a noose around their neck to render justice quickly if need be and to easily identify and avoid them.
Squirrels will be made our National Rodent. It will be unlawful to hurt, injure, kill, mock, or insult a squirrel. There's no cuter rodent.
The music of George Jones will be made available wherever beer is sold.
NASA will be privatized. The determination and ingenuity of a free people would have Disneyland and McDonld's on the moon in a single generation.
The military will be privatized. To have the enemy see our tanks coming after them with a BIGAZZ Red COCA-COLA(R) sign emblazoned on the side just gives me shivers. Also, to hear "Perkie" Katie Couric say," This assault on Cuba was brought to you by Bounty(R),'The Quicker, Picker, Upper!'"
Anybody waving or raising any flag other than our "Lone Star," will be considered an enemy combatant and will be dealt with accordingly.
Any man on the public dole will be made to transport said trash to Arkansas. Any man or woman with children on the public dole will have to have the citizens vote 'yea' or 'ney' each time before they have intercourse. If these men and women will not make simple decisions for themselves, those footing the bill will make the decisions for them.
There will be an all Warner Bros. "Looney Tunes" cartoon channel.
Each school day will begin with a reading of a verse from The Book of Proverbs. Not to Christianize the world, it's that there's no better advice and never will be.
Mr. Tom Landry will be our official dead guy. It will be illlegal to hurt, injure, kill, mock or insult Mr. Tom Landry.
These are just a few changes you can expect and can be added to anytime.
May GOD Bless Texans. And May GOD help those who ain't.